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Stamp This Into Your Brain: Get the Message--or
Else!
By
Joan Fry
 While paying my bills the other night, I noticed for the first time that
blank space in the upper-right-hand corner of pre-addressed return
envelopes--the spot where your creditors advise something like PUT A STAMP
HERE, DUMMY.
At least that's what I always assumed that it said. Without ever reading the
fine print, I just figured that there was a Bureau of Standards somewhere,
or at the very least a federal statute, that dictated the wording for the
postage window on pre-addressed envelopes.
Wrong. The message is the same, but the wording turns out to vary as much as
the essential nature of, say, Bank of America varies from Mother Teresa.
After comparing the first three envelopes in my stack, I amused myself for
the better part of an hour by doing a sort of consumer's Rorschach test on
the folks to whom I was sending my money.
It's not as reliable as blood-typing. It may prove to have no relevance at
all. (On the other hand, it just might.) What follows is a partial list of
the department stores, oil companies, utilities and banks that I have helped
support over the years and what their stamp instructions say about them.
Draw up your own list. Then draw your own conclusions.
American Express--most succinct. It says, "Place Stamp Here"--no period.
Does this indicate an open-ended, ongoing business philosophy, one dedicated
to expanding horizons, global pleasures and virtually limitless credit?
Sparkletts Drinking Water--same instructions, also no punctuation. In this
case, it obviously wants to indicate that even though the product can be
contained, the source is endlessly recurring; the Sparkletts man will come
and come again, as on-time as the tides.
The Broadway--another simple "Place Stamp Here"--with a period. Are huge
department stores more grammatical, more correct, more "right,"
position-wise, than money-lending financial giants? Or are they simply
reminding us of a need to set limits so that the Christmas spending season,
while it may blow over, unnoticed, into spring, will be settled by summer?
Los Angeles Times--most polite. It says, "Please Place Stamp Here."
(Punctuation mine.) I admit this piqued my curiosity. Suppose you're 30 days
overdue. Does it still say "please"? Sixty days? Ninety days? How about the
letter saying that it has referred the matter to a collection agency? Never
mind. The "please" works on me like an old-fashioned paperboy, ball cap
askew, diffidently sticking his hand out. I always pay.
National Wildlife Federation--most polite and by far the most literate.
"Please Affix Stamp Here"--no period. This could indicate that it wants you
to keep affixing and contributing and affixing and contributing. It did make
me wonder, though. Among all the people interested in wildlife, aren't there
any with vocabularies limited to one-syllable words like "put"?
Union 76--a tough one. It wants its money, it wants it now, and it wants you
to know right up front what will happen if you try to pull a fast one.
"PLACE STAMP HERE. The Post Office will not deliver mail without postage."
Period.
Equally as hard-nosed with that kind of no-nonsense, no-compromise ultimatum
are California First Bank and General Telephone. Their instructions are
almost identical: "Put Stamp Here. The Post Office will not deliver mail
without postage." Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
My favorite, partly because it was so unexpected, came from Safeco Insurance
Co. Its envelope didn't advise anything. Not a word. It just provided a big
blank space that stood out like a sore thumb. Does Safeco assume that its
customers are bright enough to know that they must affix postage to anything
they drop into the mailbox? Good. I've never had much faith in insurance
companies before, but knowing that one has faith in me made my whole day.
Thanks, Safeco. You get my stamp of approval.
(Reprinted from the Op/Ed page of the Los Angeles Times, November 29,
1982.)
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